Struggles Moral and Cosmic

I said and did some inconsiderate things recently to a friend. It wasn't one incident but a few, and they were all from moral carelessness. It sucks so bad, man. You work and you work and you learn and God Himself reaches into your life and places in you His very presence but the minute your guard is down, you revert to type.

The end result has been several sleepless nights. I see demons and hell and horrors so terrible that they defy explanation. This after a long run of rather beatific visions. What does all this mean? Am I just crazy? And even if I am is there truth in the madness. The stuff I've seen and experienced has been so horrible, so terrible it chills the very center of my being. Of course, the stuff I experienced before was the very substance of life's meaning.

If what I see of Hell corresponds to an actual place, it would be better had we never been born. Of course I don't think Hell is somewhere, out there, but rather a factor in reality itself. Satan is hell, just as God is the Kingdom of God (Alfred N Whitehead). Yet I believe Heaven is a place, and it is eternal. In the same way that I think God's primacy and the victory of the good stems from it's immortality. But here in this world I feel like I'm the victim of it all. I'm just fighting this endless battle, and falling into the arms of God in faith and hope that the salvation I taste is the promise of my own eternal soul.

Why, why, why can't I just be the person I want to be? Why do I get careless with people's feelings, and why is sin still at war within my soul? I believe, I know I believe. Heck, I truly think I have more faith, more actual confidence in Jesus Christ than the most certainty-mongering fundamentalist. And indeed, God has brought great healing into my life, on countless levels. Yet still I mess things up and I fall to depths unimaginable. To shrink from the size of the Universe to the depths of my own sinfulness, it is nearly maddening.

Yet I have hope, I have faith, and indeed happiness will come as will the direct encounters with God. I know my sin, my stupidity, my selfishness, is not greater than God's grace. But man, wouldn't it be nice if a leap of faith also meant a leap into the person you truly want to be?