Today marks my seventh wedding anniversary. I can say, in the words of Vigo Mortensen, that I was not truly born again until I met my wife. Here are some things I've learned in the last seven years:
1) My wife cannot be the most important person in my life. The most important person in my life is God. The same is true of my wife. She puts God above me, and rightly so. To the degree that God remains the most important person, I am free to be for my wife the man I should be for her, and she can be the person she should be, for me. I cannot turn to my wife for everything, and idolatry leads to disappointment and failure.
2) Laughter is truly divine. We have had problems, significant problems, like any other couple. What has kept those problems at bay is prayer and laughter. When you can laugh at yourself and at your problems, you mute the ego, and rob your problems of power. Laughter is magic.
3) The Buddhists are mostly right about the ego. When there are problems, it is because we forget 'us' and focus on the 'me'. My wife says our problems are the sound of "me, me, me, me". When we forget the 'me' and remember the 'us', life is good.
4) The presentation of marriage in film and television is crap. I am happier in my marriage today than I was seven years ago. Things have overall gotten better, and life gets easier. Things are not monotonous nor boring. There is not greater adventure than the adventure of relationship.
5) Progress, not perfection. Becoming a better process is achingly slow. It is day by day, little by little. I cannot use even the power of love to simply will myself to be something else. But with the power of love, change does come. "With God's help." As my wife always says.
6) Life is short. I have had such a good time these last seven years that they have also been the shortest of my life. It all goes by so quickly. Thank God for meditation, which lets me extend some moments, and lucid dreaming, which lets me step out of time altogether periodically. One lifetime of this is certainly not enough.
7) The world is too hung up on race. My wife is Hispanic and we have a vastly different cultural background. She makes jokes about my race and I make jokes about hers. We critique cultural values and behaviors. This never turns negative or hateful. There is always going to be a divide, and really this doesn't hurt the relationship, it actually helps it. There is a bit of mystery and constant discovery going on. It is fun and interesting.
8) Both similarities and differences are important in a relationship. People say opposites attract, and there are ways in which my wife are very, very different people. Yet we had somewhat similar backgrounds and enjoy similar things, and without these shared interests and struggles we would not be as close as we are. But the differences matter as well. They keep our lives interesting.
9) Forgiveness is life. Beyond the importance of God is the importance of the Gospels, of Jesus and what He came to do. The idea that God is willing to forgive even deicide is a very important message. Forgiveness and love are two sides of the same coin.
10) Honest is life. However important it is to forgive, it is also important to be honest with your feelings. I used to keep a lot of what I was thinking and feeling inside, with Angelic. Now I'm more open with her than with my friends. She knows everything, including when I'm mad or disappointed. It is as important to give as to receive, and it is as important to be open about needing forgiveness as about forgiving.
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