Pretense & Hypocrisy

"Always beware what you pretend to be, because in the end you are what you pretend to be." Kurt Vonnegut.

I was a pretty good kid in high school. I made good grades, followed the rules, believed in God, and didn't get into trouble. But I was unpopular and terribly abused by people. My home life was a wreck and life was often chaotic. To gain some control and finally get into some kind of protective 'crowd' I started to act in a very different manner. I acted like the people I once despised...I acted like a criminal. In my heart, at least at first, I wasn't who I pretended to be. But over time, my inner soul matched my outer actions. Soon, I found myself in a very dark place.

When I tried to get out of that place, I did so by surrounding myself with the kinds of people I wanted to be. I acted like them, but I was not them. In my heart I was fighting the darkest of motivations. When I talked about God I was lying, when I confessed Christ it was dishonestly. I was faking it. But I faked it until I made it. I started feeling myself changing into someone more like those around me. My lies became truths, and my confessions became genuine.

There is this TWILIGHT ZONE episode where these people where terrible masks that reflect their inner souls. The masks, which are cursed, turn the people's face into that twisted image that is imprinted on the outer mask. It causes their outer appearance to match their inner souls, as reflected in the masks' images. The masks we wear change us.

Hypocrisy is not a good thing. We need to be honest about who we are. But who we are is often complicated, even contradictory. I may be a little bit of saint and a lot of a monster, but if I act the saint and downplay the monster, might the former become more prominent. There is a hypocrite who is comfortable in his hypocrisy. This is a most horrendous place to be. But there is also a hypocrite who doesn't want to be a hypocrite, who WANTS his or her actions and his or her heart to be one and the same. Sometimes a change of behavior requires a change of heart. But sometimes a change of heart first requires a change of behavior. Hypocrisy may be a signpost on the road to redemption.

Pretending to be something will not make you that something. What you do and who are: these are not simply one and the same truth. But they are interconnected. And WANTING to change, combined with changes in behavior, can indeed lead to changes in heart. Choose your pretense carefully, for your pretense may be your future.